Unwanted 21 Days

How to initiate a conversation about physical intimacy with your partner

Many marriage experts and family counsellors believe that financial reasons and sexual compatibility problems are the two primary reasons for majority of marriages breaking up today.

While it’s easy to argue about money with your partner, discussing sex openly, remains a rather improbable task. Most people find it easier talking anonymously to strangers online about their sexual life, rather than discussing it with their partners.

A lack of honesty and openness leads to a mountain of suppressed feelings like – disappointment, anger, anxiety and hatred – that erupt on a fine day, potentially damaging relationships. To avoid all this, it’s essential that all couples (married and unmarried) have an honest talk about sex with their partner.

Coming to the big question, when is the right time to discuss physical intimacy with your partner?

  • Don’t discuss sex while you are in the midst of the act. Instead, pick a neutral time when both of you are relaxed and likely to listen to the other partner, without interrupting. Make sure that the kids are at school or in class, while you have this talk, so you can complete it without being disturbed.
  • And, don’t catch your partner by surprise. Inform your partner ahead of time that you would like to discuss sex with them. Also, get your partner’s input and then set the time for the talk. This helps both partners to be prepared and more receptive.

What should you talk about?

  • The nature and type of relationship

If you are unmarried, then It is essential that you make sure that you and your partner are both on the same page when it comes to the nature of the relationship.

Friendly or romantic? Committed or non-committed? Sexual or non-sexual? A casual fling or a long-term relationship?

Discussing the nature of the relationship early reduces heartache and disappointment later on.

  • STI

If either of the partners has been tested positive for an STI sometime earlier in their life, then it’s essential that you disclose your STI status to the other partner. This helps the other partner take an informed decision regarding the relationship.

  • Birth control

If you and your partner are married and starting a new life together, then it’s essential that you discuss birth control and pregnancy. Discuss with your partner to find out if she wants to get pregnant right away or wait for some time. And, if both of you agree to delay pregnancy, then it’s essential that you discuss various birth control options and choose the right method that suits both of you.

If condoms and other barrier methods aren’t suitable, consult with a gynaecologist to find out other safer birth control options like contraceptive pills and more.

  • Sexual pleasures, desires and boundaries

Both partners should be willing to listen to the opinions and views of the other partner. Discuss how each partner wants to be held, touched, kissed and caressed. The more you know about your partner’s sexual pleasures and desires, the smoother and more intimate is the relationship.

While talking about sex with your partner, it’s also essential that you discuss sexual boundaries. Is there something that your partner is uncomfortable doing? Do they not prefer some parts of their body from being touched?

Respecting each other’s boundaries is a must for a healthy sexual relationship.

Remember, this isn’t the time to criticise and blame

Don’t start the sex talk by blaming and pinpointing all the problems of your partner and voicing your frustrations. Instead, start the conversation on a positive note. Remember, the ultimate goal of having this conversation is to feel connected and closer to your partner.

Irrespective of whether you are newlyweds, or a long-married couple, taking the time to communicate your innermost feelings to your partner – is the key to a healthy and happy sexual life. Sexual intimacy is an excellent gift of married life. Ensure that you make it all that it can be by being open with each other and avoiding the blame game.


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